Anxiety sucks! - Day 83

Image courtesy of My Loud Bipolar Whispers

I lay in bed wishing after a bit of a rubbish day on the one hamd but a fun and productive day on the other.

As I lay I wished how I could curl up with B for a cuddle bit knew deep down that he wouldn't have any of that. I wished tjat I could shelter in his stable and let the years flow and on some.level he would understand and muzzle his head into my lap as I wrap in a heap. However I knew that he's more than likely turn and present his rear at me instead.

I felt like B didn't like me.

I felt like the worst horse owner ever.

This made me feel lonelier than ever.

Despite having J in the bed next to me twiddling my hair for his sensory feedback, I felt incredibly alone.

My mind wandered to my relative who passed recently and how they had been surrounded by family for which I was grateful but then as I pondered our last moments together.

I couldn't stop the thoughts appearing in my head. Around and around they fly, words, images, memories. They appear jumbled and in no particular order. They disappear as quickly as they appear and are replaced with another.

Throbbing with pressure from the million and one thoughts that presented themselves to me at this dark hour I began to fear dying alone. I began to fear never knowing the love that filled the room between my relatives. I feared never knowing the love that filled each tear drop that fell for my passed relative.

Intuitively as if he knew how I was feeling our beloved cat came and curled up by my side. He purred as I started to cry and feel my chest squeezed of air. My body numb bar the pain in my head the years flowed as I tried to catch my breath. Still the cat stayed determined to sooth my situation.

I was having an anxiety attack.

I used to be a cute crier where I could smile sweetly as the tears rolled.down my cheeks as I  silently cried hoping no one would notice.

Now my eyes puff out as if they had been storing the years for weeks, months even, like a dam then exploded in one exasperated breakdown and so the floodgates opened.

My head aches.

My eyes are swollen and sore.

My CBT therapist spoke wisely this week about how it is ok for me to share my feelings. It is ok for me to share my opinion. I am free to speak up and speak out.

I am allowed to be assertive.

I am allowed to have worries and I am allowed to voice them.

She suggested I write a list of my concerns and tackle the problem by seeing what I can solve now and what depends on the future.

I need to learn to be flexible with being certain for uncertainty fills me with dread.

The therapist used an analogy about taken the wrong turn on the motorway.

By missing the junction she had two choices. She could have become really anxious, it was late, it was dark, she could have been lost. Or she could remain calm with a little bit of apprehension about where to go next.

If you look out for the signs and take your time to reach your destination the journey will inevitably be better.

If you have to go around the round about several times before taking the exit then do so cautiously.

The point is you take the exit.

Life is full of uncertainty and upheaval. As long as we look out for the signs, take our time, and take the exit we can reach our destination. Having a caring cat next to you to calm you really helps too.



KJB
xxx