Time of change - Day 115
I did it!
I completed my CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) course Whoop Whoop :-D
It feels amazing to not only have completed something but also to know that I will probably always be anxious by nature (it's in my DNA) but with regular self-check-ins I will be perfectly ok to manage it. For I am now my very own therapist - hold the laughter please ;-)
There has been a significant shift in my thought process of late which has not gone un-noticed by loved ones.
I now see the glass as half full rather than half empty.
No matter how many bumps life throws in the road ahead I will take my time and enjoy the journey with smaller manageable goals along the way.
One of the biggest causes of my anxiety is when I worry too much about the future. Things that are literally out of my control. Things that may or may not happen but I add it to my day-to-day tasks which overwhelems me and then I let it consume me and take over the more immediate concerns.
For example one of my biggest fears at the moment is of me riding B!
Yup!
All 5ft 7 of me worried about riding my sons pony!
Why?
I have no idea.
All I feel when I think about it is my heart rate quickening, my palms getting clammy, my breath becomes short and sharp and I blink back the tears!
I haven't even sat on B for around two months now.
The last time I rode him he didn't bolt off with me.
He didn't buck, reer or bronk.
He didn't charge into any fences.
What am I afraid of?
Is it that when we were searching for the perfect pony I tried some not so perfect ponies?
I tried one particular handsome Irish Sports Horse who was narrower than the cobs I was used to hopping on at the riding school. My friend rode first and said he is very sensitive to the leg so gingerly I got on adjusted my stirrups and girth and gathered my reins.
I gently tapped his side with my feet.
This pony went from standing to canter then to gallop within a second.
WELL I hadn't galloped for many a year I can tell you.
I sat up.
I pushed my heels down.
I held him back as we headed straight for my son J at the end of the school.
"Move over darling" I casually cried as he stood frozen to the spot until my friends boyfriend pushed him out of the way at the exact moment the pony decided to put his breaks on.
All I could hear was the wind rushing past my ears and my friends echoing voice shouting "sit up, sit up" as I flew over his shoulder and all went black.
I couldn't breathe but rolled onto back looking up at the sky then hurridly tried to move to see if a) the pony was ok and b) my son ahdn't been hurt.
I couldn't breathe as my friend asked if I was ok and if I wanted to get back on then gently coaxed me to sit up.
Shaking my head I tried to stand, mute from being winded, and tried to walk.
Over a week it took me to recover from the bumbs and bruises where I had apparently fallen directly onto my right knee (the knee I have had 3 major surgeries on already). I was refered to a secialist again as I could barely walk and had hurt my shoulder, collarbone, arm and back.
But I was lucky.
It was my first fall since the age of eight or so. Perhaps this is where my fear of riding B has stemmed from?
Alas I cannot afford to keep having other people school him. Both financially and mentally. While I do think it is helping him learn some manners I could be using that money for lessons for J and building our bond with B which I believe has some fractures.
That is why this Friday I am going to ride Boston!
Yup you heard it here first. I am going to get on that blooming pony and I am goin to be the advanced rider I know I am and ride with my heart and soul.
I want to enjoy going out for a hack with him when J is away and right now I am so longing to spend the evening plodding along through the woods watching the light dance on the leaves.
So fingers crossed for me? I will keep you posted of course (either with an ice pack or a glass of wine to celebrate).
Have you ever been afraid to ride?
KJB
xxx
I completed my CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) course Whoop Whoop :-D
It feels amazing to not only have completed something but also to know that I will probably always be anxious by nature (it's in my DNA) but with regular self-check-ins I will be perfectly ok to manage it. For I am now my very own therapist - hold the laughter please ;-)
There has been a significant shift in my thought process of late which has not gone un-noticed by loved ones.
I now see the glass as half full rather than half empty.
No matter how many bumps life throws in the road ahead I will take my time and enjoy the journey with smaller manageable goals along the way.
One of the biggest causes of my anxiety is when I worry too much about the future. Things that are literally out of my control. Things that may or may not happen but I add it to my day-to-day tasks which overwhelems me and then I let it consume me and take over the more immediate concerns.
For example one of my biggest fears at the moment is of me riding B!
Yup!
All 5ft 7 of me worried about riding my sons pony!
Why?
I have no idea.
All I feel when I think about it is my heart rate quickening, my palms getting clammy, my breath becomes short and sharp and I blink back the tears!
I haven't even sat on B for around two months now.
The last time I rode him he didn't bolt off with me.
He didn't buck, reer or bronk.
He didn't charge into any fences.
What am I afraid of?
Is it that when we were searching for the perfect pony I tried some not so perfect ponies?
I tried one particular handsome Irish Sports Horse who was narrower than the cobs I was used to hopping on at the riding school. My friend rode first and said he is very sensitive to the leg so gingerly I got on adjusted my stirrups and girth and gathered my reins.
I gently tapped his side with my feet.
This pony went from standing to canter then to gallop within a second.
WELL I hadn't galloped for many a year I can tell you.
I sat up.
I pushed my heels down.
I held him back as we headed straight for my son J at the end of the school.
"Move over darling" I casually cried as he stood frozen to the spot until my friends boyfriend pushed him out of the way at the exact moment the pony decided to put his breaks on.
All I could hear was the wind rushing past my ears and my friends echoing voice shouting "sit up, sit up" as I flew over his shoulder and all went black.
I couldn't breathe but rolled onto back looking up at the sky then hurridly tried to move to see if a) the pony was ok and b) my son ahdn't been hurt.
I couldn't breathe as my friend asked if I was ok and if I wanted to get back on then gently coaxed me to sit up.
Shaking my head I tried to stand, mute from being winded, and tried to walk.
Over a week it took me to recover from the bumbs and bruises where I had apparently fallen directly onto my right knee (the knee I have had 3 major surgeries on already). I was refered to a secialist again as I could barely walk and had hurt my shoulder, collarbone, arm and back.
But I was lucky.
It was my first fall since the age of eight or so. Perhaps this is where my fear of riding B has stemmed from?
Alas I cannot afford to keep having other people school him. Both financially and mentally. While I do think it is helping him learn some manners I could be using that money for lessons for J and building our bond with B which I believe has some fractures.
That is why this Friday I am going to ride Boston!
Yup you heard it here first. I am going to get on that blooming pony and I am goin to be the advanced rider I know I am and ride with my heart and soul.
I want to enjoy going out for a hack with him when J is away and right now I am so longing to spend the evening plodding along through the woods watching the light dance on the leaves.
So fingers crossed for me? I will keep you posted of course (either with an ice pack or a glass of wine to celebrate).
Have you ever been afraid to ride?
KJB
xxx
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